So when I thought everything was gonna work out fine, I was wrong.

You know what? I have a theory. When everything seems perfect, that's when life will pull the rug from beneath you. And the weird thing is, I always seem to fall into the same trap, over and over again. It's like the movie Groundhog Day. You wake up to the same nightmare everyday repeatedly.

I've been really into Gossip Girl recently. Just finished the whole of Season 1. Yes, I know everyone's on Season 2, almost towards the end already, but a lack of moolah equals no proper runs of the show. It's kind of like The O.C., but instead of West Coast, it's East Coast. Instead of snooty rich kids in California, it's snooty rich kids in Manhattan. Awesome show.

I look around me and I see all these people who've accomplished so much. They're smart and beautiful and rich and successful. What about me? I read in a magazine about how more and more women today are earning £75,000 annually, and I think, "Will I ever be one of them in the future?" I just don't see myself as Someone, with a capital S. But I want to be. I guess wanting isn't quite enough.

I just think, I've sacrificed so much. So much for this one person. And this is how I get treated? I can see myself, if I was someone I knew who was in the same position as I am in now, I would advise them to walk away. But then I stay. I stay and I fall into the same damn traps again and again. I hurt so much, but then I forgive. All's good for a little while, but then it all falls apart once again. Why do I never learn?

I'm surrounded by people who love me and care for me. I should be able to fall back and rely on them. But then I feel so alone and helpless. There's no one I can talk to who won't judge me. I want so much to scream, but my voice is trapped inside. I cry alone, because no one understands.

My first post of the new year! Woohoo!

Right. Moving along.

Smack in the middle of exams now. Want to die. Actually, think I'm actually dead already.

Anyways, saw Bride Wars last week. Predictable, cliched kind of movie, but turned out to be pretty good. Had a decent soundtrack.

Here's a song from the movie. Enjoy! :)

Move on. Face it bravely. Look at the bright side. Think with your head, not your heart.

All easy to say but hard to put into action.

What can I say? Can't say it doesn't hurt, cos it fucking does. Rewatching episodes of The OC doesn't exactly help my situation either.

I've learnt this summer to be indifferent about the whole thing, to hide my feelings behind a smile, just so it's easier to deal with. When people ask "What happened?", I shrug and say, "Seriously? I don't know."

And the truth is? I really don't.

Till this day, I still question it. Why? Why did it all fall apart? When? How? What did I do? What did I not do?

And the sad thing is? I have absolutely and utterly no clue.

But it's helped that some still care for me, even though I neglected them when I fell apart. I guess you never really get over your first serious relationship. I don't think I'll ever stop thinking about this. But hopefully one day, it'll sort of fade into a dull throbbing in the back of my mind.

Bits and pieces of that past come floating back once in awhile, hitting me when I least expect it. I suppose that's how it's supposed to be, how I'm supposed to learn how to deal. But it's hard. I guess it was worse 2 months ago, but the pain, though subsided, is still there inside.

And what's worse is that I think it's just being suppressed deep down, and that one day it'll be too much to take and it'll just burst out, like a river dam breaking.

How will I take it then? Am I supposed to let it all out just so I can get over it? I thought I did that a long time ago. I cried till there weren't tears anymore. And I was glad. I thought that was the end of it. I guess it's not.

I know it takes time. And I know this is all I've wished for. I don't regret any of it, and I'd do it all over again if I had to. I never expected that it would hit me so hard, that it would be this painful.

And now, it's gotten even more confusing. I know it shouldn't be, because let's face it, it's over. And hoping for anything other than that conclusion would just open up old wounds.

I think what hurt the most was that this whole thing seemed to affect me more than it did him. I don't get how he can forget me so easily. It's like I never truly meant anything the whole time we were together. I think that's the first time I've said that out loud.

Tears are easy. And weak. That's why I toughen up and hide it. It's easier that way. Putting on a mask is far more effective. True, the scars are still there, but at least now, they're hidden from the world.

I think we women tend to have this perfect vision of a man. That take-charge companion to take care of us, but at the same time respect us for who we are and are sensitive. Someone who is romantic, yet not over the top. Someone who loves passionately, but only sees us as his one and only.

Let's face it. Finding someone like this is probably never going to happen. Short of creating a robot we can program to behave exactly how we want it to, we're just going to have to accept that this world is made out of primitive, beer-guzzling, chip-munching creatures. In a nutshell, our 21st century man.

At the moment of meeting, you would say you've met the man of your dreams, your other significant half, your perfect man, But then maybe six months down the road, you start to wonder, is he really The One? You can't ever imagine yourself without that person, probably because of the fear that you'll, once again, be alone, not that the person really is The One.

Maybe there isn't any One. Maybe you've got to go through Many. Maybe The One was just something created by the media, giving people that hope, that dream that someone out there is perfect just for you, and you for them. Maybe in actual fact, no such person exists. You see in movies and on television, the characters always fall in love in the end. Like in The Holiday, where Cameron Diaz and Jude Law fall in love and stay with each other in the end, even though their from different countries. In reality, do you think that really happens?

Of course, as I type this, I know many people are thinking, "Man, what a cynic!" I'm not. I'm just being realistic. Look around you. Sure, everyday around the world, probably thousands, if not millions, of couples exchange wedding vows and words of promises to "stay together till death parts us". And then one, two, maybe three years later, you find them in a divorce attorney's office, fighting over who gets the Italian coffee table.

Sure, I've ranted before, that I know what relationships are like, and that I wanted all that, if only just to experience the good part of relationships too. I guess I've just been hurt too many times. Trust me, nothing lasts forever.

And "I love you"s mean zilch.